Confessions of An Ex-Mistress

Yes, you got the title right. I was once a mistress and believe me or not, I didn't regret being one. I was not an ordinary low-class mistress who asked for money, ruined a family, or engaged to sex. So, If you're wondering what kind of mistress I was, I guess I was one of the ones who just fell in love.

Image courtesy of dearoldheart.blogspot.com

Don't get me wrong, I am not proud to be a mistress. Not at all. It's true that I didn't regret it because I learned a lot from that experience. I have come to realize a lot of things. I learned who will be the ones who wouldn't judge and stick with me till the end of my battle.

Many says that those who can bear to be in a forbidden relationship are either desperate, insecure, gold digger OR, some are just plain home-wreckers. I admit I was guilty of one thing or two. I was kind of desperate that time; I was under the impression that no one's gonna love me again. I believe that's one common sentence you're gonna hear from a person who went through a traumatic break up. My self esteem was as low as you you could imagine.. I was so vulnerable.. I felt unwanted by many, I felt unimportant until he came..

He's a former office mate; he was not that approachable, kind of "suplado" and he initially caught my attention because he's really good looking. He was my team mate and I heard he's already married. And since I was new to the team, I had an excuse not to talk to him. I didn't even intend to have him included on my friends list. It's not that I'm trying to be "suplada"; it's just that I don't want to be friends with a person whom I am attracted with. Considering that he's married, the least thing I would want is to make a move. I just simply didn't want anything that has something to do with him.

After a few months, I was receiving anonymous emails from this person who wants to be friends with me. I didn't have an idea that it was actually him. Mixed emotions. I was flattered and worried at the same time.  But hey, he just wants to be friends, so what's the big deal? It's not like he's not friends with anybody. Your guess is as good as mine. We became good friends, which eventually led to a relationship.

We were so good in keeping our "little secret" to everyone. Even my bestfriend who I was with everyday didn't know that there's something going on between me and the guy. (I guess I have to start addressing him by his name to make it easier for me to write the story. Let's just call him "jumong" since they look alike. That's how good looking he is.) I can say that he loved me too. I felt it. We were both victims of "right love at the wrong time". Time flies when we're together and as much as we would like to spend a lot of time together, we can't. I saddens me that I cannot introduce him as my special someone because he's not really mine in the first place. He's married and ought to be a father so whenever I'm alone, guilt always strikes me.

Months passed and our relationship grew deeper and deeper. I felt so loved and special and I was at my happiest because finally, I found a guy who loves me unconditionally. He even said that he's willing to leave her wife, son and religion just to be with me. That was when I realized that what we have is wrong because a son is about to lose a father and a wife is about to lose a husband. Because of me.

I loved him so much and even if it kills me, I decided to stay away and do the right thing. We have to end what we have even if it hurts like hell. I know he's not mine and he will never be that's why I decided to be in the right path. I guess it was also God's will because his wife found out. She bombarded me with harassing text messages and called me a home wrecker and honestly, I can't blame her. She threatened to get me fired from work since my then-supervisor is her best friend. As expected, my job was affected and I almost lost my friends because they were defending me only to find out that what they learned to believe was just a lie. I knew then that I couldn't handle the situation alone. I decided to tell my parents. Letting them know was the hardest because they trusted me too much and  thought I was smart enough to never let myself in that kind of situation. I guess blood is really thicker than water because they stood by me all through the way. We even came to a point where we had everything settled (My parents, Jumong's parents and the legal wife's parents). I had to take all the insult and painful words because it was my fault in the first place. I should have avoided in right from the start but I didn't. So if that was the price that I have to pay, bring it on.

I decided to quit my job and move on. I moved in Manila even if I was clueless about what kind of life I'm gonna be having now that I'm away from my family. Fortunately, I found a job but I had no place to stay yet that's why I decided to go home everyday. There were mornings that I'm seeing him at the bus station, looking for me. How he found out? I have no idea. There were also nights that I'm seeing him in front of our subdivision, waiting for me. But of course, I chose not to talk to him, even if all I wanted to do was put my arms around him. Last thing I heard, he's still trying to get in touch with me (through a friend) but I opted not to give any of my contact information. I have moved on and he should also do the same. 8 years have passed and I have learned a lot from my experience. There are times that I still think of him and our memories still make me smile. He changed my life and he made me a strong person. I am now happy with my life, my baby and my partner. There are times that we're having problems since he's away but I'm glad because we still make our relationship work; for our love and for our daughter. 

My New Year's Resolution

It is another year for me; I can say that I'm a year older and wiser. However, this year is different. I don't know if this year has been the happiest or saddest birthday that I ever had. I think it would be more appropriate to say that it's a combination of both. Why new year's resolution though? My birthday made me realize that I have a lot of excess baggage that I should let go. And since this is a new year for me, today marks the day that I'm finally letting go of the these people who cause me pain especially during the supposedly SPECIAL days of my life. It's time for me to choose to be happy. Selfish? I don't really care.

IF YOU CAN"T TREAT ME RIGHT, GET OUT OF MY LIFE! 

Sure. All of us got issues that we need to deal with but we need to understand that there are some who are affected by each of our actions. Taking a person who cares about you deeply for granted is a big no-no! As I've written in my previous post, I got fed up being ignored and so, I decided to gradually kill my feelings for this person. I am going through a lot of tough times right now and the fact that I can't rely on him is way too much to bear. The least thing I would need now is a burden. I need someone who will change my life,  not just  my relationship status in Facebook.

He may have changed my life since I'm a mom now... I'd be forever thankful. I thought he was the one but he just wasn't and probably never will. Dreams for us? Yeah right... He can go ahead and keep those dreams to himself. Just like how he keeps things to himself too. I'm tired and I'm done with all this sh!t.. This could be the hardest decision in my life but my daughter and I will get by.

GOODBYE NEGATIVE VIBES!

Starting today, I am choosing to be happy. This means that I'll stay away from those who cause me pain and disappointment that I certainly do not deserve. I'll start to regain my self esteem and be a better and happy person. I'll focus more on my baby. Goodbye negativity!

Update: May 24, 2012

Surprisingly, I did a very good job in saying goodbye to negativity. How? I just mastered the art of DEADMA and it worked.  Everything started to fall in the right place. Communication is the key. Also, try not to think too much and loosen up a bit. It might work for you too. Focus on the positive side of things instead of dwelling with the down side. On my birthday, I chose to be happy, and I am now.

Where Is Daddy?

I woke up the other day and just like what a person addicted to Facebook would do, I checked my account to see if I have new messages or comments etcetera.  As expected there was a new comment on one of my pictures (portrait of me with my sleeping baby) which says "Where is DADDY?" my initial reaction was anger because obviously, the person who commented was trying to imply something. Whatever that is, I am certain that it's something too personal and quite offensive. I tried to conceal my annoyance and jokingly answered "Somewhere out there. lol" for I feel that I'm not required to disclose information about my personal life in Facebook,  not to mention that this person knows nothing about me. I was deeply offended and I immediately deleted him on my friends list when he answered "Never joke about the daddy! She needs HIM while GROWING!" The nerve.

Image courtesy of Wallcoo.net

After a few hours of contemplating while getting my daily dose of Tom and Jerry (courtesy of Cartoon Network), I have realized that the guy has a point. My daughter needs a dad. I am a semi-single mom since I'm raising my child alone since her dad works overseas. "Semi" because I'm not officially a single mother. Yet. I suck in dealing with LDR (Long Distance Relationship) and God knows how many times I considered breaking up with my boyfriend because I'm kind of getting used to the feeling that he's not here with me. I am responsible with everything as far as my daughter is concerned. Literally. For now, it seems like her dad's task is just to "like" or post comments on Facebook. That's it. I do not mean to whine but I'm just a human being who gets tired too especially when I'm taken for granted. It's tiring to deal with someone with no initiative, no moral support and all. I have confided my situation to a friend and she made me realize that It's somehow my fault because I'm not helping him at all to be responsible because I'm showing him that It's totally fine with me even If I'm technically handling EVERYTHING. 

Just recently, I have stopped communicating with him, hoping that with my absence, he will see my worth. I just got fed up being ignored. I am not perfect and I know I have shortcomings too but I DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. I hope I'm not being selfish for choosing to love my self a little bit more. I hope one day, he'll realize that there's someone who will call him "daddy" a few years from now and when that time comes, I hope he has learned to be responsible. 

I am not wishing for a good husband at this moment. I am praying hard for my daughter to have the best dad. 

What if?

What if I'm single again? Will I be able to handle it? Maybe yes, maybe no... It'll be a lot easier if it's just me whom I have to consider. But no, I have my little one now. Arggggh, I think I really need a drink. It's so hard to be happy for the past months. I don't know why. Maybe because he's away? I'm starting to get tired of this situation. Long distance relationship sucks! I don't think I can take this any longer. I want to be out of this relationship but I don't know what and how to tell him.

Relationships have ups and downs... but I think ours has been on its downside for how many months now (At least for me). He just won't admit it or he might not be aware that I'm feeling this way. I don't wanna get married anymore. I just woke up one day realizing that I'm not so sure about getting married. I know I'll pass the motherhood test but I'm not sure if I'm gonna be a good wife if we continue this despite of what I'm currently feeling. I don't wanna get married for the wrong reasons; it will never work out.

Don't get me wrong... I love the guy. I really do. I'm just not sure about getting married. Maybe because I got used to the fact that he's not with me. I'm dying to be with him but I'm scared. Even I can't explain what kind of feeling is this. I hope one day, I'll be back to my old self. I hope that the old Honey who loved him so much will be back ASAP. I wish I could talk to him about this but I don't know what to say either so, what's the point? Maybe I'll just sleep it off. things will be better tomorrow I hope. 

When Mr Right becomes Mr Wrong

Image courtesy of diliman-diary.blogspot.com

Would you rather stay and keep up or just let the relationship go?

During the first few months of your relationship, everything seems perfect, everything is like too good to be true. Every single second of you being together is magic, so strong, so right; but as the days, weeks, months and years go by, it's either there's a sudden change of attitude or tiny little white lies start to pour out and even before you start to notice, you were already caught off guard. You're clueless on how to escape the roller coaster ride you didn't know you've been riding and you're dying to get off. And the best part is, you don't know where, when and how to start.

There's no recipe for a perfect relationship. It takes two to make it work the way you want it and if you find yourself alone in the journey of your relationship, you better just let go and wait for Mr Right who will stick being Mr Right and in the event that he unintentionally turns to be Mr Wrong, he'd do anything and everything to be the right person for you. No matter what. 

Love conquers all? Not all the time, I would say. Right now, I'm in the stage of holding on and letting go at the same time. I wouldn't want to trash everything we went thru but I'm starting to wonder if everything was all worth it because  from what I see, I am giving everything but not getting the honesty I deserve. Living happily by lie is the least thing I would want. I'd rather be alone. As I've always been.

In ever I'd be back to stage 1 of MOVING ON again... It would really hurt a lot. But I'm ready. Because I loved and still love him but above everything else, I love myself.

Seventh

It's been 7 months since we became a couple. It was kind of unexpected because we weren't even friends back in high school, which i regret because i didn't get the chance to see how amazing he really is.  I can be myself when i'm with him and there's no point in ranting about the past because he's with me now. And I'm not gonna let him go. No matter what.

Our first couple of months were a bit of a struggle as i had a hard time adjusting; I guess i wasn't used to be in a relationship anymore. I was single for more than two years and being committed kind of overwhelmed me. I must admit, I used to miss my old life, i missed doing whatever i want without asking permission, i missed doing things i'm happy about with no limit, go anywhere without worrying and go out with friends wherever, whenever. I was free and i loved it. But things are different now. I have a lot, yes, a lot to consider. I learned to compromise.

It came to a point where I actually started asking myself if all the sacrifices were worth it. I did everything i can to meet his expectations and be the right girl for him.The last thing i want is to have a fight with him because pain kills me like hell. With that, i did my best to make things work... night out with friends and out of town trips were lessened, social network overhaul and some of the activities i love doing are now limited. But i just simply didn't care, why? because i love him so much and i am willing to do anything to make him happy. And maybe because i was busy trying so hard to be the best girlfriend in the solar system, it took me months to finally realize that something's gradually receding: myself.

And my biggest mistake was, i didnt let him know what i was feeling; i just kept it to myself, which is really, really stupid.

You might think I'm in a crappy relationship but I'm not. This may be hard to believe but this relationship is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I learned so much and i still am learning. I couldn't believe that  those months of questions and doubts  were just selfishness and immaturity. Communication is the key. I gathered my courage to talk to him. I want him to help me understand why he's treating me like a kid; as if my brain's malfunctioned and i can't take care of myself. He gave me the explanation that i asked for and i finally understood that:

• I am no longer single so i should stop acting like one.
• I can still do whatever i want just as long as i know my limitations 
• I can still go wherever i wanna go (with his consent of course) as long as i take care of myself for him not to worry 
• I earned his trust and we can always meet halfway to make everything work.

It's now our seventh and we're still counting.I started to embrace our situation now and i kissed my single life goodbye. everything is now in the right track and we hardly fight anymore. I know we still have a lot to go through but with love, trust, loyalty and friendship, together, we can surpass all the trials.

Could Have Been Me

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It's been two years since we parted ways. I must admit I was devastated but he taught me a lot of things. He taught me to be the MAN that he was supposed to be (but never was), he taught me to be strong and turn to myself when I have no one to turn to... he taught me to love myself more than anyone else and most importantly, he was somehow one of the ways that did lead me to my happiness.

Seeing his pictures doesn't affect me anymore. I know he's happy and I'm glad that things are going well (i guess) with his current victim (nyahaha!) But there are times that I can't help but wonder where i went wrong; why  our relationship didn't work; and why did he find his happiness with someone else. Am I not enough? Did I push him away so hard? I cant think of any reason why he had the guts to cheat on me. I gave him everything and i loved him so much and i started to lose myself. I ignored the here-says here and there; the weird text messages, inconsistent availability and all. Why? Maybe because I loved him so much. He might have realized my worth but it was too late, I'm already gone.

Last thing I heard, he's getting married. (good for him) that girl could have been me but who knows? I'm glad I didn't show up when he was about to propose... There's no time to regret now.. we're both happy anyway.

Again, that girl could have been me, but I'm not and the truth is, I'm surprisingly happy for him :)

The Breakup Journal

March 15

Saturday

It’s so hard for me to write because I hate to think about what I’m going through... Hun and I broke up today. Why? So many reasons that I can’t seem to find ... so many questions that I can’t answer. All I know is, he's out of my life and he seems to be doing fine without me. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I was and still am so devoted to him and i never thought everything will end this way. It's killing me to know that the person whom I was so in love with, the person, who once loved me, now treats me like a trash. I was not prepared and I didn’t see it coming. Now that he's gone, I am now only one half of the person that I used to be.

I know I can’t see and talk to him. It’s so painful to think that I have to let go of him and the memories we've shared. So much had happened and I can’t seem to be myself again. I don’t know where to pick myself up, I don’t know where to start over cuz I was so tied up with loving him... damn, he was my life and now, our relationship is over.

 The real reason why I’ve decided for us to be just friends was for me to think. I was trying to figure out what I really want in life. But that doesn’t mean he has to be away. That was the last thing I’d want. I never thought he’d take it the other way around. He’s been there for me and yes, he loved me. If I only knew that this will happen, I wish I never told him what I was feeling. Sometimes, what you know doesn’t hurt, right? Why have I not given a thought of that? I was so stupid. But it’s too late for me to be sorry for myself. He’s gone and he obviously has moved on. With Liz.

 March 18

Tuesday

 it would be much easier for me to accept the fact that we’re over if there’s no third party involved. Aside from our confusion and never ending questions, a girl named Joane exists. I trusted him too much, but I also have to trust my instincts. We’ve been fighting because of her and he can’t seem to give her up. Who has to go away? Was it me, the person he used to live with or the person whom, according to him, he never met? I know I have to fight for my right. I have to fight for him.  But I can’t fight for this alone. It takes two. If he chose to be with her, fine. I just wish he had been honest with me. I almost drove myself crazy, thinking how to win him back. I asked, I begged him to come back… but told me he wants both of us to be ready. I never thought he’s having the time of his life with to Liz. Stupid me.

We came to the point that where we didn’t seem to respect each other anymore. Heart-stabbing words came from our mouths just to make ourselves feel better. I was accusing him, he was denying. I do not know whose fault it was anymore. All I know is, there’s no way that we’ll be back together. So much had happened… So much had been said… And now he hates me.

 March 19

Wednesday

 This is the first time I ever thought of committing suicide.  After our last fight, I didn’t go home. I drank ‘til I dropped just to forget the pain. People I hardly know we’re just staring at me, feeling sorry for the poor girl who has no one to turn to. I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t think anymore. I didn’t care about the people who love me unconditionally; my family and my friends. I just wanted to forget what I feel. I didn’t even think of going home not until I felt the burning, torturing pain in my stomach. I can’t move my body and I can’t walk. I waited for more than three hours for the pain to subside. When it did, I went home and asked my father to go with me and see my doctor. After a series of tests, the result came and that was when I realized that I am sick. From stress, too much thinking, letting my self be hungry, and too much coke and beer.  

 When I saw the worried look at my father’s face, I promised myself that I’ll never cry again. I’ll try to be strong. I prayed for my health, family, friends, and him. My mom? She was dumbfounded when I told her everything. I am so glad she understood. I felt better.

I just want him to be happy. If his happiness means I have to be away, I’ll accept it. I’ll try to move on and start a new life. I know I’ll soon find my happiness again. With this, I’ve learned a lot and also leaned to forgive myself.

 April 20

Thursday

It's been a month or so and I guess I’m back to my old self again. I know this will sound unrealistic, but I lasted the day without crying… without bugging him… I am so happy. Of course, I still miss him. I just acknowledge my feelings and let myself wallow for a while. I love him so much and that will never change. But I still need to help my self.