Mothers Who Murdered Their Children

I was browsing some videos  in YouTube and I came across with this very disturbing video clip. This compilation made the Malaysian mom (who was seen beating her crying 8- month old daughter/son) a good mom because her child is still alive. But who knows? Who knows what could have happened if the mother wasn't sent to jail, right? 

As a mother, I also somehow understand how frustrating it is to raise a child. It's exhausting and overwhelming at times but hey, there are other ways to handle stress and frustration. For me, the most frustrating part is that you can't and you MUST NOT let all the stress out to your little one. Grab a coffee, count one to ten, smoke, get some fresh air but NEVER ever lift a hand to beat your baby because that would not make him/her stop crying; you're only adding salt into the wound.

The video states the possible reasons why some mothers hurt their own flesh and blood; depression, retaliation, stress, desperation, and some are just mentally ill. I admit, I'm one of the "stressed-out" ones but my gawd, I couldn't imagine the thought of taking my own child's life (regardless of the reason). I should have kept my legs closed if I didn't want the baby in the first place, right?

Taking a break and having a "ME TIME" is really a big help especially for full-time moms like me. It extends the thread of my patience and recharges the battery of my strength. Also, spending time with friends every once in a while makes you miss your baby, doesn't it? After watching this video, I took a glance at my sleeping baby and I realized one thing... I'm one helluva good mother and I'm the perfect mom for my baby Mische.

Where Is Daddy?

I woke up the other day and just like what a person addicted to Facebook would do, I checked my account to see if I have new messages or comments etcetera.  As expected there was a new comment on one of my pictures (portrait of me with my sleeping baby) which says "Where is DADDY?" my initial reaction was anger because obviously, the person who commented was trying to imply something. Whatever that is, I am certain that it's something too personal and quite offensive. I tried to conceal my annoyance and jokingly answered "Somewhere out there. lol" for I feel that I'm not required to disclose information about my personal life in Facebook,  not to mention that this person knows nothing about me. I was deeply offended and I immediately deleted him on my friends list when he answered "Never joke about the daddy! She needs HIM while GROWING!" The nerve.

Image courtesy of Wallcoo.net

After a few hours of contemplating while getting my daily dose of Tom and Jerry (courtesy of Cartoon Network), I have realized that the guy has a point. My daughter needs a dad. I am a semi-single mom since I'm raising my child alone since her dad works overseas. "Semi" because I'm not officially a single mother. Yet. I suck in dealing with LDR (Long Distance Relationship) and God knows how many times I considered breaking up with my boyfriend because I'm kind of getting used to the feeling that he's not here with me. I am responsible with everything as far as my daughter is concerned. Literally. For now, it seems like her dad's task is just to "like" or post comments on Facebook. That's it. I do not mean to whine but I'm just a human being who gets tired too especially when I'm taken for granted. It's tiring to deal with someone with no initiative, no moral support and all. I have confided my situation to a friend and she made me realize that It's somehow my fault because I'm not helping him at all to be responsible because I'm showing him that It's totally fine with me even If I'm technically handling EVERYTHING. 

Just recently, I have stopped communicating with him, hoping that with my absence, he will see my worth. I just got fed up being ignored. I am not perfect and I know I have shortcomings too but I DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. I hope I'm not being selfish for choosing to love my self a little bit more. I hope one day, he'll realize that there's someone who will call him "daddy" a few years from now and when that time comes, I hope he has learned to be responsible. 

I am not wishing for a good husband at this moment. I am praying hard for my daughter to have the best dad. 

Raising Mischee

It's been months since I gave up my job due to delicate pregnancy. I wasn't ready to quit then, but my little one's health might be at stake if I continue to work and go all the way from San Fernando to Clark every night. It was indeed a tough decision but I was certain that it will all be worth it. 

Being a stay-at-home mom is not an easy task, believe me, there were times that I actually prayed hard to wake up from a nightmare. Taking care of an infant nearly drove me crazy! Being a mom is definitely rewarding, but overwhelming at the same time. Dang, I couldn't even have a decent bath.

image courtesy of http://www.quizazz.com

Things got worse when my daughter started to grow up... Growing up means more diapers, bigger dose of formula milk, new clothes, etcetera. It's not that we didn't prepare for it, It's just that I didn't expect she'd grow up TOO FAST. I couldn't go back to work because looking for a nanny that I can trust is a lot harder than I thought. My hands are tied, I had no choice but to stay home and be a full-time mom. I wasn't sure if staying home was the culprit why I was once (or still?) the queen of paranoia. A lot of things are going in my mind, my daughter's future, how to get my old position back, regain my self esteem, lose weight, earn money, get my old self back and rekindle the good relationship that I used to have with my partner. I just woke up one day, realizing that I am unstable in almost everything. I felt so alone. Yes, I have the most supportive parents in the whole world but I guess, that was the problem. I was trying so hard to prove to them that I can handle what I've gotten myself into. I didn't ask for any financial help though it was my number one challenge. All the uncertainties, pain, anxieties -I kept to myself. I had no one to talk to; not even my partner. I opted not to talk to him because I think we'll just end up fighting. There are some things I assume he wouldn't understand maybe because he didn't see what I had to go through since day 1 of my pregnancy until giving birth of our little Mischa. There were times that I actually considered myself as a single mother; because that's what I am feeling and technically, I am raising our daughter alone. Like literally alone since he's away. I couldn't do anything but pray and cry almost every night while watching my daughter sleep. There wasn't a single day that I didn't ask for guidance, strength and more patience.

I can say that I am now coping, adjusting, whatever you call it. It all started with acceptance. I guess I had a hard time accepting that I am no longer the old Honey who does what she wants, goes where wants to go without having to worry about anything. It took me a while to embrace the fact that its just not myself, who I have to consider because I already have a child who needs me. I didn't realize how being a mom could change one's life. Everything will change. I have learned to be selfless. 

Mischa on her 2nd Month

Things are getting better as the months pass by. I have also found an alternate source of income while I'm taking care of my little one. I can say that I am now somehow back to my old self. I guess I was able to pass the first stage of being a mom. ADJUSTMENT. All I know is that, I am the happiest whenever I see Mischa smile though of course, there are times that I want to throw her out of the window especially when she cries just to bug me when I'm busy. Sigh. This is just the beginning. 

Lessons learned:

• Giving up is never an option when you have someone who will call you "mom" in a couple of years or so.
• I have given up so much of what made me who I am, but I made a choice and even if it's harder than I thought, I should never regret it. I don't and will never regret it.
• Patience is a must

Now that my partner is coming home soon, I have yet to pass another test... I am certain that I'm gonna the best mom for my daughter. Now here lies the question... Will I be a good wife?

What do you think?