When Mr Right becomes Mr Wrong

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Would you rather stay and keep up or just let the relationship go?

During the first few months of your relationship, everything seems perfect, everything is like too good to be true. Every single second of you being together is magic, so strong, so right; but as the days, weeks, months and years go by, it's either there's a sudden change of attitude or tiny little white lies start to pour out and even before you start to notice, you were already caught off guard. You're clueless on how to escape the roller coaster ride you didn't know you've been riding and you're dying to get off. And the best part is, you don't know where, when and how to start.

There's no recipe for a perfect relationship. It takes two to make it work the way you want it and if you find yourself alone in the journey of your relationship, you better just let go and wait for Mr Right who will stick being Mr Right and in the event that he unintentionally turns to be Mr Wrong, he'd do anything and everything to be the right person for you. No matter what. 

Love conquers all? Not all the time, I would say. Right now, I'm in the stage of holding on and letting go at the same time. I wouldn't want to trash everything we went thru but I'm starting to wonder if everything was all worth it because  from what I see, I am giving everything but not getting the honesty I deserve. Living happily by lie is the least thing I would want. I'd rather be alone. As I've always been.

In ever I'd be back to stage 1 of MOVING ON again... It would really hurt a lot. But I'm ready. Because I loved and still love him but above everything else, I love myself.

I Am

I'm an angel, I'm a devil

I am sometimes in between

I'm as bad it can get

And good as it can be

Sometimes I'm a million colors

Sometimes I'm black and white

I am all extremes

Try figure me out you never can

There's so many things I am

I am special

I am beautiful

I am wonderful

And powerful

Unstoppable

Sometimes I'm miserable

Sometimes I'm pitiful

But that's so typical of all the things I am

I'm someone filled with self-belief

And haunted by self-doubt

I've got all the answers

I've got nothing figured out

I like to be by myself

I hate to be alone

I'm up and I am down

But that's part of the thrill

Part of the plan

Part of all of the things I am

I am special

I am beautiful

I am wonderful

And powerful

Unstoppable

Sometimes I'm miserable

Sometimes I'm pitiful

But that's so typical of all the things I am

I'm a million contradictions

Sometimes I make no sense

Sometimes I'm perfect

Sometimes I'm a mess

Sometimes I'm not sure who I am

I am special

I am beautiful

I am wonderful

And powerful

Unstoppable

Sometimes I'm miserable

Sometimes I'm pitiful

But that's so typical of all the things I am

- hilary duff

Closing Cycles

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One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister. Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

by Paulo Coelho

Seventh

It's been 7 months since we became a couple. It was kind of unexpected because we weren't even friends back in high school, which i regret because i didn't get the chance to see how amazing he really is.  I can be myself when i'm with him and there's no point in ranting about the past because he's with me now. And I'm not gonna let him go. No matter what.

Our first couple of months were a bit of a struggle as i had a hard time adjusting; I guess i wasn't used to be in a relationship anymore. I was single for more than two years and being committed kind of overwhelmed me. I must admit, I used to miss my old life, i missed doing whatever i want without asking permission, i missed doing things i'm happy about with no limit, go anywhere without worrying and go out with friends wherever, whenever. I was free and i loved it. But things are different now. I have a lot, yes, a lot to consider. I learned to compromise.

It came to a point where I actually started asking myself if all the sacrifices were worth it. I did everything i can to meet his expectations and be the right girl for him.The last thing i want is to have a fight with him because pain kills me like hell. With that, i did my best to make things work... night out with friends and out of town trips were lessened, social network overhaul and some of the activities i love doing are now limited. But i just simply didn't care, why? because i love him so much and i am willing to do anything to make him happy. And maybe because i was busy trying so hard to be the best girlfriend in the solar system, it took me months to finally realize that something's gradually receding: myself.

And my biggest mistake was, i didnt let him know what i was feeling; i just kept it to myself, which is really, really stupid.

You might think I'm in a crappy relationship but I'm not. This may be hard to believe but this relationship is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I learned so much and i still am learning. I couldn't believe that  those months of questions and doubts  were just selfishness and immaturity. Communication is the key. I gathered my courage to talk to him. I want him to help me understand why he's treating me like a kid; as if my brain's malfunctioned and i can't take care of myself. He gave me the explanation that i asked for and i finally understood that:

• I am no longer single so i should stop acting like one.
• I can still do whatever i want just as long as i know my limitations 
• I can still go wherever i wanna go (with his consent of course) as long as i take care of myself for him not to worry 
• I earned his trust and we can always meet halfway to make everything work.

It's now our seventh and we're still counting.I started to embrace our situation now and i kissed my single life goodbye. everything is now in the right track and we hardly fight anymore. I know we still have a lot to go through but with love, trust, loyalty and friendship, together, we can surpass all the trials.

The Ultimate Friendship Test

How would you feel if you wake up one day and just realize that all these years, the person you consider one of your BFFs turns out to be so fake and only remembers you when she needs something from you? Or the person you treasure more than anything else doesn't feel the same way? It hurts, it sucks big time and the best part is, you feel sorry for your self, half-regretting the fact that you wasted your time, energy, effort and friendship with the person who hardly deserves it. What a bummer.

Having said these, have you realized which one are you? Are you the poor victim or the merciless prey? I must admit that I was once a prey but it didn't do me any good. So to make everything equal in my own ways, I tried my best to be the combination of both (in a good way), which i think makes sense. But there are instances that you can't avoid like when a person comes to you and makes you feel special and you can't help but fall for it. It happened to me a lot of times and I did let it happen. I guess I never learn. I feel good when people come to me and seek for advice, invite me to have coffee with them, have a drink, smoke like a chimney and chit-chat. I have a lot of friends but I certainly know who among them are true, sincere, best critic, fake and user-friendly. Trust me, I know. It's so easy to sort their kinds because i get to be with each kind everyday.

My best friend of 8 years and i used to hate each other; i hated the way she walks and she used to think i'm a snob. Everything changed when we were smoking, it rained and she offered to have her umbrella shared with me. how sweet. we were inseparable since then. We accidentally worn the same top, sandals, etc but we didn't mind. I used to sleep at her place, we used to have coffee everyday, she's been there for me, helping me recover from my breakup and vice versa. She helped me get a new outfit for my job interview, she knows how to make me laugh when I'm down with shit and i would never ever trade our friendship with anything else. I can be myself when i'm with her. No pretensions, no rules.  We're still the best of friends though we have now different set of friends because I'm here and she's miles away. There are shortcomings of course but we always work things out. 

I have this other friend who only remembers me when she needs anything personal to gain. May it be advice, money or company (always the second option of course). She may not seem to notice but I know. In all fairness to her, it's not really obvious when we're together because she's really sweet and she tells me everything; so i am kind of thinking that it's not really intentional. I mean, yes, she might not mean to make me feel that she's using me because she might really not. you know what i mean? But hey, if you're an adviser, you'd also love to have an update on the outcome, right? And that is not happening and that fact makes me doubt her sincerity with this so-called friendship. So i started not to care until she proves me wrong.

So let's talk about my best critic, who i really appreciate because despite all the criticism and sarcasm (sometimes), she always means well. next to my best friend, she's the person who would tell me to my face that i'm about to do something really stupid, that i look like this and that etc. But the honesty is always appreciated; I just hope that she has subtle ways of letting me know though. haha. I can be very sensitive sometimes. 

Lastly, i have this friend for years (that's what i thought so) and now, it's like i never existed in his world. Why? because he owes me money. My gawd, I might appreciate it more if he had the decency to let me know what's going on... i might understand, right? I'm willing to forget everything if he'll come to me and explain.. but that hasn't happened yet and i'm still waiting.. because i would not want to put our friendship to waste.

I can go on and write and write and write but... I'm getting a bit of tired. Why? because friends are everywhere and we deal with different people everyday. We just need to be careful with our choices; regardless if it's a tough decision or choosing the people to be a part of our everyday life. Now going back to my question, are you the victim, prey or both? 

You choose.

Could Have Been Me

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It's been two years since we parted ways. I must admit I was devastated but he taught me a lot of things. He taught me to be the MAN that he was supposed to be (but never was), he taught me to be strong and turn to myself when I have no one to turn to... he taught me to love myself more than anyone else and most importantly, he was somehow one of the ways that did lead me to my happiness.

Seeing his pictures doesn't affect me anymore. I know he's happy and I'm glad that things are going well (i guess) with his current victim (nyahaha!) But there are times that I can't help but wonder where i went wrong; why  our relationship didn't work; and why did he find his happiness with someone else. Am I not enough? Did I push him away so hard? I cant think of any reason why he had the guts to cheat on me. I gave him everything and i loved him so much and i started to lose myself. I ignored the here-says here and there; the weird text messages, inconsistent availability and all. Why? Maybe because I loved him so much. He might have realized my worth but it was too late, I'm already gone.

Last thing I heard, he's getting married. (good for him) that girl could have been me but who knows? I'm glad I didn't show up when he was about to propose... There's no time to regret now.. we're both happy anyway.

Again, that girl could have been me, but I'm not and the truth is, I'm surprisingly happy for him :)

The Breakup Journal

March 15

Saturday

It’s so hard for me to write because I hate to think about what I’m going through... Hun and I broke up today. Why? So many reasons that I can’t seem to find ... so many questions that I can’t answer. All I know is, he's out of my life and he seems to be doing fine without me. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I was and still am so devoted to him and i never thought everything will end this way. It's killing me to know that the person whom I was so in love with, the person, who once loved me, now treats me like a trash. I was not prepared and I didn’t see it coming. Now that he's gone, I am now only one half of the person that I used to be.

I know I can’t see and talk to him. It’s so painful to think that I have to let go of him and the memories we've shared. So much had happened and I can’t seem to be myself again. I don’t know where to pick myself up, I don’t know where to start over cuz I was so tied up with loving him... damn, he was my life and now, our relationship is over.

 The real reason why I’ve decided for us to be just friends was for me to think. I was trying to figure out what I really want in life. But that doesn’t mean he has to be away. That was the last thing I’d want. I never thought he’d take it the other way around. He’s been there for me and yes, he loved me. If I only knew that this will happen, I wish I never told him what I was feeling. Sometimes, what you know doesn’t hurt, right? Why have I not given a thought of that? I was so stupid. But it’s too late for me to be sorry for myself. He’s gone and he obviously has moved on. With Liz.

 March 18

Tuesday

 it would be much easier for me to accept the fact that we’re over if there’s no third party involved. Aside from our confusion and never ending questions, a girl named Joane exists. I trusted him too much, but I also have to trust my instincts. We’ve been fighting because of her and he can’t seem to give her up. Who has to go away? Was it me, the person he used to live with or the person whom, according to him, he never met? I know I have to fight for my right. I have to fight for him.  But I can’t fight for this alone. It takes two. If he chose to be with her, fine. I just wish he had been honest with me. I almost drove myself crazy, thinking how to win him back. I asked, I begged him to come back… but told me he wants both of us to be ready. I never thought he’s having the time of his life with to Liz. Stupid me.

We came to the point that where we didn’t seem to respect each other anymore. Heart-stabbing words came from our mouths just to make ourselves feel better. I was accusing him, he was denying. I do not know whose fault it was anymore. All I know is, there’s no way that we’ll be back together. So much had happened… So much had been said… And now he hates me.

 March 19

Wednesday

 This is the first time I ever thought of committing suicide.  After our last fight, I didn’t go home. I drank ‘til I dropped just to forget the pain. People I hardly know we’re just staring at me, feeling sorry for the poor girl who has no one to turn to. I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t think anymore. I didn’t care about the people who love me unconditionally; my family and my friends. I just wanted to forget what I feel. I didn’t even think of going home not until I felt the burning, torturing pain in my stomach. I can’t move my body and I can’t walk. I waited for more than three hours for the pain to subside. When it did, I went home and asked my father to go with me and see my doctor. After a series of tests, the result came and that was when I realized that I am sick. From stress, too much thinking, letting my self be hungry, and too much coke and beer.  

 When I saw the worried look at my father’s face, I promised myself that I’ll never cry again. I’ll try to be strong. I prayed for my health, family, friends, and him. My mom? She was dumbfounded when I told her everything. I am so glad she understood. I felt better.

I just want him to be happy. If his happiness means I have to be away, I’ll accept it. I’ll try to move on and start a new life. I know I’ll soon find my happiness again. With this, I’ve learned a lot and also leaned to forgive myself.

 April 20

Thursday

It's been a month or so and I guess I’m back to my old self again. I know this will sound unrealistic, but I lasted the day without crying… without bugging him… I am so happy. Of course, I still miss him. I just acknowledge my feelings and let myself wallow for a while. I love him so much and that will never change. But I still need to help my self.