March 15
Saturday
It’s so hard for me to write because I hate to think about what I’m going through... Hun and I broke up today. Why? So many reasons that I can’t seem to find ... so many questions that I can’t answer. All I know is, he's out of my life and he seems to be doing fine without me. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I was and still am so devoted to him and i never thought everything will end this way. It's killing me to know that the person whom I was so in love with, the person, who once loved me, now treats me like a trash. I was not prepared and I didn’t see it coming. Now that he's gone, I am now only one half of the person that I used to be.
I know I can’t see and talk to him. It’s so painful to think that I have to let go of him and the memories we've shared. So much had happened and I can’t seem to be myself again. I don’t know where to pick myself up, I don’t know where to start over cuz I was so tied up with loving him... damn, he was my life and now, our relationship is over.
The real reason why I’ve decided for us to be just friends was for me to think. I was trying to figure out what I really want in life. But that doesn’t mean he has to be away. That was the last thing I’d want. I never thought he’d take it the other way around. He’s been there for me and yes, he loved me. If I only knew that this will happen, I wish I never told him what I was feeling. Sometimes, what you know doesn’t hurt, right? Why have I not given a thought of that? I was so stupid. But it’s too late for me to be sorry for myself. He’s gone and he obviously has moved on. With Liz.
March 18
Tuesday
it would be much easier for me to accept the fact that we’re over if there’s no third party involved. Aside from our confusion and never ending questions, a girl named Joane exists. I trusted him too much, but I also have to trust my instincts. We’ve been fighting because of her and he can’t seem to give her up. Who has to go away? Was it me, the person he used to live with or the person whom, according to him, he never met? I know I have to fight for my right. I have to fight for him. But I can’t fight for this alone. It takes two. If he chose to be with her, fine. I just wish he had been honest with me. I almost drove myself crazy, thinking how to win him back. I asked, I begged him to come back… but told me he wants both of us to be ready. I never thought he’s having the time of his life with to Liz. Stupid me.
We came to the point that where we didn’t seem to respect each other anymore. Heart-stabbing words came from our mouths just to make ourselves feel better. I was accusing him, he was denying. I do not know whose fault it was anymore. All I know is, there’s no way that we’ll be back together. So much had happened… So much had been said… And now he hates me.
March 19
Wednesday
This is the first time I ever thought of committing suicide. After our last fight, I didn’t go home. I drank ‘til I dropped just to forget the pain. People I hardly know we’re just staring at me, feeling sorry for the poor girl who has no one to turn to. I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t think anymore. I didn’t care about the people who love me unconditionally; my family and my friends. I just wanted to forget what I feel. I didn’t even think of going home not until I felt the burning, torturing pain in my stomach. I can’t move my body and I can’t walk. I waited for more than three hours for the pain to subside. When it did, I went home and asked my father to go with me and see my doctor. After a series of tests, the result came and that was when I realized that I am sick. From stress, too much thinking, letting my self be hungry, and too much coke and beer.
When I saw the worried look at my father’s face, I promised myself that I’ll never cry again. I’ll try to be strong. I prayed for my health, family, friends, and him. My mom? She was dumbfounded when I told her everything. I am so glad she understood. I felt better.
I just want him to be happy. If his happiness means I have to be away, I’ll accept it. I’ll try to move on and start a new life. I know I’ll soon find my happiness again. With this, I’ve learned a lot and also leaned to forgive myself.
April 20
Thursday
It's been a month or so and I guess I’m back to my old self again. I know this will sound unrealistic, but I lasted the day without crying… without bugging him… I am so happy. Of course, I still miss him. I just acknowledge my feelings and let myself wallow for a while. I love him so much and that will never change. But I still need to help my self.
